boy  the last entry i ever wrote was pretty cynical. welll... since i wrote that i have done so much. i went to the top of mt washington on a steam engine, and i slid down a natural waterslide river, and i explored acadia national park for a day, and i was in maine for a while... aannd i went to where my mom spent most of her childhood. what else? i slept on the ground with a bunch of strangers for three nights in the middle of new hampshire with nothing but a sleeping bag. that was intense. i snorkeled in jamestown, and i rode my bike with joseph all the way to bristol. i dont feel like explaining anything but the waterslides, there was this river called the swift river and the rocks on the river bed are so eroded and smoothed out over the centuries that you can ride the current and slide down them painlessly... liike a natural water slide, and they twist and turn and empty out into a weird circle current type pool thing. it was so much fun. the only shitty part of my summer so far is i have poison sumac. poison sumac is unlike any other ailment i have ever had before. i think its worse than breaking a bone. there are spots all over me and my whole body itches an itch that ive never experienced before. i cant even move. i swear to god its driving me fucking crazy and im on this antibiotic that makes me really sleepy and not feel like getting out of bed, which i cant lay in because its too fucking hot so i just sit completely still, in agony. other than that, this summer has been the most exciting one of my life. and my friends birthday is today and i cant go because im contaminated. i dont even want to touch myself. but dont get me wrong journal, im still in a good mood regardless. well bye

i am worn out from the city.

today i wandered around providence. there wasnt anything in particular that made me want to do this, i just left my house and started walking. eventually i got to the east side and got kind of turned around. i asked an old lady for directions and we got talking. she was one of those "push-my-religion-on-you" kinda missionary ladies. i think she assumed i was homeless because after she told me where to go she stuffed a bunch of money in my hand. i tried to protest but she just walked away. i went to thayer st. and i didnt want to spend the money, because i didnt really feel like i deserved it, so i gave it to a homeless man. i went downtown and saw things that made me want to throw up. i saw a little black kid getting chased through waterplace park by three other little black kids. i saw a guy digging through every trash can on a street and i saw homeless people asleep on the front steps of city hall. i was wandering through a weird series of walkways on the risd campus and ran passed two people fucking in between a couple of dumpsters. i went towards the state house and when i cut through an alleyway, i came across a rabbit. after a while i found my friend coco, who was fucking drunk and rolling four deep. i told him id give him some weed if he gave me a ride home, and now im here. i hate the city. i used to enjoy it, but now i can see past all the advertisement signs and wandering college kids and the true filth of it has come out from behind all that shit. all i want to do is get out of this place. 
i cant help but  stare at all that concrete and those streetsigns and shit and think about what used to be under them. like what these places used to look like before western civilization came and brought all these twentieth century inventions like careers and cars and skyscrapers and crap. just crap.
sometimes i feel like theres this weird glass wall that separates me from everyone else in the world, and i cant connect with anyone. even if we appear to be conversing and relating, im really just watching from afar, like im observing. i dont really feel like i belong anywhere, with anyone, except with my family. not even my family, just my mom and dad and brother and rob. because thats where i was, before i went to providence, i was at my uncles sisxtieth birthday party. when i go there, everything seems like a play. like everyones here to act like they give a crap, save my other uncles and aunts and grandparents that lived with him and grew up with him, the only people that should be there. and then these distant people that im somewhow related to show up and its the same fucking thing every time, "hows school? having fun? still playing music, still in a band? meet any girls? hows life for the seventeen year old?" so i just say my lines like ive rehearsed since i turned like, eleven, because its tabboo to speak the truth, because everyone loves a big fat lie. i want to show them all a big smile and say "school fucking sucks. no, im not having fun. no, im not in a band, all i do is write these shit songs no one will ever hear. no, i havent met any girls and if i have then ive ruined it with them. being seventeen is fucking retarded, all i want to do is skip this year so im free to be absent from the family theatre, so i dont have to come hear and lie through my teeth to impress you."

 it snowed a lot this weekend. the first day it snowed like crazy and i was hanging out with little people all day at the museum and then i finally went outside and i was like "WHAAAAAAAAA" and then i walked back to school and they were like, "are you stupid we dont have school!!!" so i went to jacks. and then me and him and brian and jake chilled and we jake made "snowcream" which is like, you go get like a pan full of fresh snow and then you put vanilla extract sugar milk and chocolate syrup and mix it all together. it was delicious! then kevin came and picked us up and we went out in the snow in his jeep and found a parking lot and did crazy doughnuts in the snow and he would just completely lose traction on the ice and wed spin out of control. it was so much fun and now that i think about it we probably couldve died like a hundred different times that night... so i suppose it wasnt such a good idea, but we didnt die so it was worth it i guess! 
and then uhhhhh the next day i said to hell with school and went to jacks and we smoked and then kevin came over again but this time we built a snow fort in jacks backyard that evntually turned into an igloo and we never finished it completely so i guess its not an igloo because theres a hole in the roof............
then the next day me y brian smoked and then went to scoop jack and then bolivia and then we went to lasilette which is a weird place. did i ever tell you about lasilette journal? its this crazy catholic shrine place and it has like five churches and like seven different buildings and i dont really know what exactly its for, but alec jake sean AND drew all work there so we got maaaad free food. then we went back to rhode island because lasilette is in attleboro. then the NEXT day it snowed even more in the morning. then i went to jacks and brian scooped and he was with female cabral and she took us to a weird house where one of her friends freaked out and then her friends mom came home even though i guess it wasnt really her home and she was mad drunk and then she said she was gonna kill caitlin? or something? anyway it was all very confusing so we tried to get cailtlin to leave but she didnt wanna so we left. then i dont remember what we did, but it was probably just us driving around screaming "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO DOOOO???" at each other for like three hours. then kevin came with a girl that was named after easter, and we smoked and she spoke chinese and taught me how to say "lets have sex" in chinese. but im dissapointed in myself because i totally forgot how to say it. and then i went home. that was yesterday. then today my mom woke me up and i dont remember exactly what was said because i was like halfasleep... but she said something like "youre too sick to go to school" and i was like "what the hell im not sick!" but then i guess i fell back asleep. and then i woke up again at noon, and i WAS really sick! so i stayed home and i havent done shit all day and now i feel like shit and im bored and i wish i had a girl to make out with, RIGHT NOW. but i dont. and even if i did shed probably get sick, and that would not be cool. im gonna go have a cigarette! goodnight journal i hate you

 oh man when was the last time i wrote in this thing? i dont remember... i did some shit the past few days and i dont remember most of it but i did a bunch of shit with a bunch of different people so i probably had fun

anyway today i woke up and went to the grocery store with my mom because on the weekends this store has mad free food its called whole foods anyways then we went home and then me and her and rob went and met up with uncle carl and his wife (?) and then we all went to a place called lowell in mass to a housewarming party for my stepdads best friend matt. and matt has a seventeen year old daughter named martina and she had two friends with her and one was johanna and she was really cool and we talked mad throughout the party. she talked a lot... she goes to a private school somewhere in massachusetts. and she showed me pictures of her dogs, which were humugous dogs like they were both black and i couldve ridden one. i was amazed! and then i told her that i went to a career and tech school and she was reeally interested because she was in like a program thing in her school where they study alternative teaching methods for like, young kids like first graders and stuff so i told her about my school and then we talked about weird shit like buddhism and atoms and how many atoms there was in my cracker that i was eating and she said that if they werent all connecting and bonding they wouldnt be there, like one cant even exist without other atoms, and atoms make up the molecules and cells that everything is made of. she was a very interesting girl... but she was so cute and she kissed me on the cheek when i left, and then i went home.
then brian and kevin picked me up and we went to sean mccormicks house and nate jam was there and then i went home after a while and now im here.

i basically just meet girls that i like a lot and maybe well hook up or maybe well just talk a lot but i always end up leaving and never talking to them again. i dont even mean it it just happens.
it kinda sucks i dont know how i feel about it. but i think ive done it enough times it gets really like, not neseccarily "old", but like, kinda depressing and unfulfilling. like its fun for a few hours but i always end up leaving with the same weird feeling, like.. i dont know how to describe it. youre just like, "fuck." but its always just that same blunt feeling and after a while i cant help but get sick of it, like none of that shit we just did or said will ever really matter again. like im not gonna go back to lowell to see them for another couple of years and i guarantee im never gonna see johanna again. i dont know why still do it. i dont know even know why i talk to girls theyre too hard to understand anyways

eh im going to sleep

 i am so sick. i did not do anything today. thats not true. i went to this kid joshs house which is a street over from me. he says hes gonna introduce me to some dude. which means i might be making money soon.
i wish school was easier. 
i wish shit was less confusing. just like, certain aspects of my life. i dont think im that dumb of a kid but there are some things i just cant figure out.

its getting way too cold way too fast.

i chilled with brian and wiggum all day and we waited in the freezing cold for noah to come scoop but he stopped picking up his phone so we stood outside speedy for like an hour. and it sucked. so eventually we were like "forget noah" so we go to wai wai house and as soon as we get there noah hits us up and we find out that on the way there, his car stalled out, so he waited for it to start up again and then it did, but then a cop pulls him over. and he gets out to talk to the cop about his car stalling and when the cop leaves, he gets back in his door, slams the door on his hand and breaks it. so we were like WHAAAAAT and then we smoke a blunt on myles' porch and then we go to pick up female cabral from work. then i left brian and wiggum. and i went to the empire revue with jack and his sister and my uncle steve. the empire revue is hilarious. it really was like a lot of fun to go and i think im gonna go again next month. 

i think i want a girlfriend. i miss just like, having someone to love, someone to look forward to every day. but i dont like any of the girls i talk to. maybe im too picky. 
it sucks because i know exactly what i want, but i cant have her. i dont know if i can just dwell like this much longer. i dunno if i should just move on and compromise. i wish i knew more. 

im kinda lonely.

i dont know what else to say im going to bed

these lyrics are mad fucking good

im staring out into that vaccum again, from the back porch of my mind. im the only thing thats alive. im all there is. so i start attacking my vodka, stab the ice with my straw, my eyes have turned red as stoplights and you seem ready to walk. you know ill call you eventually when i wanna talk, till then youre invisible. because theres this switch that gets hit and it all stops making sense, and in the middle of drinks, maybe the fifth or sixth, im completely alone at a table of friends. i feel nothing for them. i feel nothing, nothing. i need a break from the city again i think ill ship myself back west. ive got a friend there, she says "hey, anytime." unless that offers expired, ive been less than frequent. shes under no obligation to inulge every whim but im still so ungrateful, i take, she gives and forgives, and i keep forgetting it. and in the morning she wakes with a dream to describe, something lovely that bloomed in her beautiful mind. and i say "ill trade you one for two nightmares of mine. i have some where i die. i have some where we all die." so im thinking of quitting drinking again. i know ive said that a hundred times and im always changing my mind, well i guess i am. but theres this burn in my stomach and this pain in my side and when i kneel at the toilet and the mornings clean light pours in through the window, sometimes i pray i dont die. im a goddamn hypocrite. but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense, theres no right way or wrong way, you just have to live. so i do what i do, and at least i exist. what could mean more than this? what could mean more?

i didnt do much yesterday. i went to jordans house and chilled with her and joe but we didnt really do anything specific. then i went home and then noah picked me up so we smoked a joint and then we went to jimmys again. it was pretty fun. except i drank wine so i got sick. i wish i had something better to do than to get drunk every night. but honestly, and last night is a prefect example, if i didnt go to jimmys i wouldve just stayed home and did nothing all night. and thats fucking boring. 
sometimes the people i hang out with all the time get really boring. like all they want to do is smoke, like ive never seen so many kids who just call each other up just to ask if they have money. and if you dont have money you dont chill. and if you do, then you smoke a blunt. and that means you chill for like a half hour to an hour, and regardless of whether or not anyones still high or if the weathers nice and we can do something outside, all they say after youve smoked with them is like "you got five on it again?" and then youre like "not even." and theyre like "thats hurt" and then they sit around wondering how theyre gonna get high so you suggest like lets go play soccer or go check out this park weve never been to or lets go skate, at least until somebody calls us back and theyre just like "nah man. im high im just chillin i dont even wanna do anything."
and deep down, that shit pisses me off a lot, so i drink so i can forget about it. 
i cant really remember what i used to do for fun all the time. like, before i realized that getting high is fun. that was before i was into soccer or anything. i want to be able to remember so i can start doing whatever it was again.
my life is a fucking boring joke. and i hate the winter so much. i hate it i hate it i hate it it sucks so much its always fucking cold and i fucking hate it. i want to move away. to somewhere where its always warm.

 i had an extremely good day yesterday! i woke up and i didnt have to take the bus to school because i got a ride from my stepdad. so i go to the zen center and my temporary mentor wasnt even there so all i had to do was rake leaves and bag them up and leave. so rob came and picked me up and he was like "is it one hundred percent nesseccary (sp?) for you to go back to school right now?" and i told him no and so instead of going back to school until 3 i went to foster gloster with him and moved sheet rock into his van for him because he has a bad back AND THEN HE GAVE ME LIKE FIFTEEN BUCKS! i know it doesnt seem like a lot but i was also getting twenty bucks from my mom. and im broke all the time too so to me it does seem like a lot. anyway. i got home at like three, but i had left my board in the advisory closet so i went back to school to put wicked old shitty risers on my trucks and then skated at the met and now i know how to axle stall and nose stall and i can ollie higher than before. eventually jack and noah and olivia dineen came and picked me up and we chilled for a while and it was fun but then olivia had to work. olivia is definitely one of the coolest girls ive ever met, because shes a girl, but shes never really annoying or bitchy like other girls, so in that aspect shes kinda like a dude. and she smokes mad blunts. 
anyway so crazy billy called me and told him if i wanted i could meet up with him downtown and buy 14 pills for 12 bucks so i did. i wasnt even gonna sell adderall ever again but thats such a good price i can make my money back so quick and like 30 profit. so. yeah. i met up with him at the risd ledges and he reinforced my beliefs that he is out of his fucking mind. then he left so we skated for mad long and i landed a boardslide. and i landed it switch, which was so cool because im terrible at riding switch. 
then jimmy called jack and told him that he wanted to have a little mini party at his apartment. so noah and jack and i drove to chalkstone and when we got there he had like four prerolled blunts, a liter of jameson, some shit called disaronno, mad vodka, mad kahlua and a jug of wine. and since jameson is my favorite whiskey i walked to the store and bought some coca cola and mixed everybody drinks all night. so we smoked and it was jimmys headies and i was already kinda drunk because the disaronno tasted like vanilla so i just drank that out of the bottle mad. and for a while it was just me and jimmy and jack and noah and jimmys older sister just getting fucked up until we decided to watch the movie superbad. and i was not being able to see to well because i was drunk and jimmys weed really fucks you up but it was still like the funniest movie ever, like i barely stopped laughing throughout it. and then more people were showing up and i didnt know a lot of them and i was pretty confused and i met this kid that i met before. his name is ray but everyone calls him robotrippin ray because he drinks like 1000 mgs of robitussen every day and trips balls all the time and hes sooo weird. and actually i think he sucks. and then the movie was over and jimmy has that cox-mad-channels kind of cable so i went to the soccer channel and caught the last five minutes of a chelsea game and they lost, which moves liverpool up to third if they win again tomorrow, so i got extremely excited and poured a big fuckin whiskey and when i was like, super super drunk kevin and ant showed up and i was like "WHHAAATTTT" and then jimmy taught me how to make a white russian so we mad two and chugged them. it was soooo funny because ive never seen jimmy like, really drunk before and we just laid on his kitchen floor and talked about how great ireland is. and then we did shots of tequila, and im not a lightweight or anything but i had had like six whiskey cokes and chugged a white russian and had also a big glass of straight whiskey... and half a bottle of disaronno and some wine and like four blunts so i had to sep outside and throw up but after that i was good and then some more people showed up and i dont remember the rest but i got a ride home from either kevin or noah and we all left at the same time and i got home at one and fell asleep, and ithen i woke up and im still kinda drunk still and im gonna take a shower and go buy new risers because the ones on my board are wicked old and shitty. and then im gonna go SKATE byebye diary

 today was just as boring as yesterday was. except that i actually went to school today, making it way more boring. i left at three and met up with noah and he took me to this church to land this manual trick and i didnt land it so we left after a while. im gonna go back and try tomorrow. then we went to jacks because hes really sick and he was super bored. we watched malibus most wanted. that movie is way more funny than i thought itd be. then i had to go home for dinner and i havent really done anything since. i found a bunch of pictures from my childhood and i went through them and kept some that were really funny, or just a good picture. ive had a headache all day. i kinda want to quit smoking cigarettes. i wish someone else would quit with me, i think that would make it easier. 

ive decided that if i could go anywhere right now id go to hawaii with a girl that id love forever and shed have a flower in her hair and a yellow dress and wed lay on the beach all day and stare up at the sky and find pictures in the clouds, and it would never ever get cold, it would just get cool at night and wed grab some blankets and id build a fire. i dont think wed need a house or at least i wouldnt, id probably just lie in the sand forever. goodnight journal.